Who Am I?

"I'm far too loud; it's like, as soon as I've got an opinion it just has to come out. I laugh at stupid things just 'cause they tickle me. Sometimes I wish I was like __________. She got some prittstick and she glued her lips together, so she never had to speak..."

"...But by then it's too late, no one wants to know me." Does anyone else feel like no one around them knows anything about them except for a few shallow things? Isn't it scary once you realize that no one at all really knows who you are? Have you ever felt like you're worth was equivalent to a brick wall?

I don't know about you but I would like to feel like something. I would like everyone around me to know who I really am and what I have to offer. Early this morning I was sitting in my car and thinking about all of the amazing people I know and I felt like I wasn't even on the list. All of my female friends are...different from me. Why couldn't I be more like __________ and let my reserved demeanor do the speaking for me? How come my personality doesn't shine like __________? I should definitely be more talented and caring like _________ and ___________. Why don't I possess these simple yet so out of reach personality traits?

Was it how I was raised or is it in my genes? It can't be how I was raised because I lack the charisma I was taught to have and my mouth is usually quicker than my mind. Plus, everyone else in my family took everything that I lack before I came into the picture. Before I continue, does anyone else have this problem? If not, stop right here and leave...you no longer need to read anymore...unless you want to.

Some may say a remedy for this feeling is to list three good traits about yourself. I actually tried doing this and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I couldn't even think of one on my own...but nonetheless you should try it anyway...maybe it'll help. Or maybe what would really help is knowing that you are who you are and no matter what you do, you probably can't change that so you should just embrace it.

I'm awkward, shy, quiet, insecure, loud (sometimes), introspective, funny, opinionated yet indifferent to almost everything, confused, and a bunch of other things that I haven't discovered yet. I'm still not sure if I like the description of myself or if it's even accurate but I guess in the end it probably doesn't matter because I am what I am and people would have to accept it (or not!) anyway.

I seem shallow on the outside but I have a lot of depth and inner emotions. Hardly anyone ever gets to see this side of me because I'm covering it up with something else...usually it's insecurity, mystery, or me just being plain obnoxious...depending on who you are. For some reason, today it bothers me that no one ever really got the chance to know me. Maybe my worth isn't equivalent to a brick wall; my worth is hidden behind a brick wall that only a few people had the balls to knock down...or maybe I just think too much.

Sometimes I wish I was more like myself...

I'm Inspired, I'm Just Broke!

"I am inspired, I'm just broke," that's what a close friend of mine just said to me a few minutes ago and I thought it was nothing short of brilliant! Those words are so simple yet we (as in those entering adulthood and recent college graduates) all can relate. How many of us feel as if we have more dreams than we could ever afford? Doesn't it suck to have a good idea yet no way of executing it? It's almost like life designed you to be a failure by default...and no one wants to be a failure.

I wish I had a way of telling you a way out, but most importantly I wish I could help you instead of just writing this blog. Adulthood is hard. There's no other way to put it...no candy coated way of making reality sound like a dream. It's hard but the most important thing to remember is to not give up. This is even a hard task for me to remind myself of on a daily basis.

They always say it gets better and we have to believe that it actually will or else we're just going to be stuck in the same position. Now again, I wish I could tell you how and when it will get better but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. Maybe we aren't meant to know when or how because then it wouldn't mean as much to us, now would it? We'll take what the future has planned for us for granted instead of working as hard as we should. But sometimes, doesn't it feel like you would work harder if you only knew some good would come from it? The most important thing to remember is how it happens isn't always up to us but believing it will happen is always our choice.

So the pretty words I've written still means nothing to you...you're still inspired but you're also still broke (trust me, I hear you!). Try to figure a way out. The best advice I could give you is to think of the thing that you would be doing if you had the means of doing it and RUN WITH IT! Do it while you're broke until someone pays you to do it. Buy a "how to" book and check off what you can. Build a name for yourself until everyone is shouting it in cheers. Just do what makes you happy because the world isn't going to wait for you (It's sure not waiting for me! I'll be 23 this July...talk about getting old!). It's a depressing thought but maybe it'll get you to move. Now I'm not telling you to spend your last cent and get evicted but I am telling you to take a chance if things aren't working out the way you planned. If you're depending on someone to hire you but there's no luck yet...HIRE YOURSELF! Keep yourself busy with what you love until you find a job or better yet...you become the boss of someone's job. We have to make a living and let's face it, IT AIN'T EASY!!!!

We're the generation that was handed the crap stick. We're trying to make a living and a name for ourselves while battling a bad economy and overpopulation...two things that just simply do not mix. But there's good news! We're also the generation that aren't afraid to mix things up! We already changed how the world receives their news, interacts with one another, and how products are sold...why not make an empire of ourselves and stop building an empire for other people? They call us a bunch of narcissists because we have to tweet or post anything we feel or do...why not be narcissists who focus on ourselves so much that we become one of the greatest generations in history. Why not be known as the NOW generation? As in we get it done and we demand it our way NOW!

So, in short, I may be broke but I'm rich in inspiration...and that's what's going to make a difference!

To put it in the simplest form, I'll let Bruno Mars explain it to you:

Getting Clean...

I slipped up again...and I thought I was clean

It's not an addiction, it's just a dirty habit

It keeps me holding on night after night

Because if you give up, you get what you get

So I use it to feel, but I swear I'm clean...

It's not an addiction, it's just something I do

I love to go numb because it's better than the sting 

I like to pretend everything's not crumbling around me
And I tell myself to hold on to see what else life can bring
Then I think to myself "what's the point in being clean?"

It's the feeling that I don't want to be here anymore
But all I really want is to be here
Maybe I can take it if I bite down hard
Gnashing my teeth sort of takes the pain away
But then it comes back when I relax my jaw

Now my nails are scratching the board and holding on for dear life

And I just realized this poem doesn't have any form
But I guess it doesn't matter because no one will read it anyway
It's not like they'll get it even if they do
So now I'm rambling and no one's listening
So I slip up again...so much for getting clean...

I swear I'm still sane...
I promise I'm still good...

Turn It Off: Based off of the character Peyton from A Tragic Heart (Short Story)

Intro

Enough was enough. This was the last time I was going to allow him to treat me this way. My mom is gone and there’s no reason for me to remain here any longer. He’s the reason why she’s no longer breathing and I refuse to go out that way. It was time for me to leave.

I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror. I was too young to go through this madness. I was only thirteen and I felt like I was living the life of a man. My face was sore and bruised. I guess since my mother was no longer here to be his punching bag, I had to suffice.

Karson was my stepdad since I was nine years old but I never respected him. Night after night I would lie in my bed listening to the horror going on in the room next to mine. My mother’s screams from his beatings would enrage me, but what was I to do? I was only a kid. Still, I continued to blame myself. I should have been stronger.

It wasn’t until I got a little older that I started to fight back. Fighting back only made him start to hit me too and that’s when my mother decided it was time to go. She had the mother’s attitude of: you can do what you want to me but leave my son out of it. I begged her for years to leave but it wasn’t until he started to hurt me that she listened. I only wished she listened sooner.

I applied alcohol to my face to clean my cuts and placed a cold compress beneath my eye. It was swollen from the fight I just had to endure. His reason this time: my mother’s death is all my fault. It’s not even like he cared about her to begin with. The only thing he loved was the bottle that seemed to be glued to the palm of his hand.

There was never a real father figure in my life. My dad left when I was only seven and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since. My mom was the only person I had in my life. She was my best friend and I loved her to pieces. It kills me that my love for her wasn’t enough. If it was she wouldn’t have ended up the way she did. She was a beautiful and intelligent woman that only deserved the best, which is why I could never understand how she ended up with Karson. The guy was bad news from the start.

I knew if I didn’t make plans to leave soon that I would end up just like my mother. I don’t want to die running away. I made my way back to my bedroom and locked the door. I picked up the phone and dialed the only person I knew I could trust, my cousin Mason. It was time for me to go…

 Chapter 1: Rebellion/Jessica

“Come on, Peyton! We can’t waste time! He’ll be home any moment now!” my mother said frantically as she threw a bunch of our belongings in a bag.

“Why are we running this way? Just tell him that you’re leaving him! That you had enough!” I replied helping her put a few things away.

“Because you know he’ll kill us both before he allows me to leave him!”

“Mom, you can’t be afraid of him forever. You can’t just run because you’ll spend your whole life running,” I said calmly as I placed my hand on her shoulder.

I pulled her into a hug and tried to console her. She started to cry and I hated Karson more than I ever thought I could at that moment. She was scared but I wasn’t. I had to be strong for her. I wasn’t going to allow him to touch her again. I’d rather die fighting for my mother’s life than have her be afraid any longer. She held onto me tighter and I knew that even though I was her son, I was also her protection. I might have only been thirteen but I been through enough to pass as much older.

“I’ll help you pack, mom, but you can’t be afraid. I’ll protect you,” I told her as I kissed her forehead.

“I love you,” she said as she wiped her tears.

“I love you too, mom”.

It didn’t take us long to get everything together and walk out of the door. I could feel her sense of relief from the moment we stepped out of the house. She rushed to start the car as I placed the bags in the trunk. This was it. We were really leaving him forever. My mother was finally going to get her freedom…the freedom she absolutely deserved.

I got in the passenger seat and she sped off as fast as she could. She was still nervous; her hands were shaking as she grasped the steering wheel. She stared straight ahead at the road but her eyes seemed dead and filled with worry.

“It’s going to be okay, mom,” I said trying to comfort her.

“It will. I know it will,” she responded as if she is still trying to convince herself.

            She was in deep thought and never saw it coming. What should have been the happiest day of our lives turned sour in an instant. The sun was shining and the skies were clear which should have been a sign of happiness. Instead, it was just a sign that the calm comes before the storm.

The light was turning from yellow to red but her mind wasn’t on that. Her eyes saw what was ahead but her mind blinded her. She accidentally ran the red light and my life changed in a few seconds.

I remember hearing a bang. I felt the impact. I felt the pain of my head hitting the glass window beside me. Tires screeching. Screams. Chatter. Then darkness.

I slowly opened my eyes and blinked a few times. I must have passed out for a little while…but it wasn’t long enough. I quickly gained consciousness and realized I was still in the passenger seat of my mom’s car. I wasn’t prepared for what I was going to see next. My mom. Her head leaned lifelessly on the driver’s side window. Her arms dangled at her side…her eyes wide open. A truck slammed into her side causing just enough damage to knock me out and end my mother’s life.

I snatched off my seatbelt and did what any other son would have done. I tried to save my mom. I leaned over to her side and attempted CPR the best way I could. The damage done to the car prevented me from being able to lay her seat flat.

“Come on, mom! Mom, please don’t do this to me!” I yelled while trying to pump her chest. “Mom!”

I pushed the passenger door open and unbuckled my mother’s seatbelt. I pulled her out of the car to lay her flat on the concrete. The sound of police cars and the ambulance filled the atmosphere. I attempted CPR again but I wasn’t having any luck. I knew I was doing it right, my mother taught me a billion times.

She was a doctor; a surgeon to be exact. She taught me a lot about saving lives, I just never thought I would have to use her lessons to save her own life.

“Hey, hey! You need to get checked out! Move away from her! Let the paramedics handle this kid!” A police officer yelled at me.

I ignored his orders and continued to try and save my mother’s life. I knew it was over but something in me wouldn’t allow me to give up.

“Come on kid!” he yelled again, this time pulling me away. “What’s your name?”

I look back at my mother who was now being handled by the paramedics. They were repeating my failed attempt. I couldn’t pay attention to anything else but my mom. We all knew it was too late but I wasn’t trying to admit it.

“Hey, kid! What’s your name? I need to know that you’re okay!” the officer said once more.

I look away from my mother for a few to answer him.

“Uh-um, Peyton…my name is Peyton Giordano. That’s my mom.  Her name is Cathleen Taylor-Davis. I need her to be okay! Please, tell me that she’s going to be okay!”

“They’re going to do everything that they can for your mother. You need to stay calm and go with a paramedic so I can take your statement,” he told me.

“No, no, I need to be with my mom. She needs me, I can’t-“

“Kid, you gotta calm down, you need to get checked out, you may be in shock,” the officer said, leading me to the ambulance.

A paramedic came over and began attending to me. They all were asking so many questions I couldn’t comprehend it all. My mind was focused on my mother. I was so far away I couldn’t see past all of the men that surrounded her.

“Will she be okay? That’s my mom. She’s all I have,” I said to the paramedic who was flashing a light in my eyes.

“They’re doing the best they could,” was all she said to me. “You don’t seem to have a concussion so that’s good. But, you will need stitches for that gash in your forehead.”

I lightly touched the right side of my head and saw a bit of blood come off on my finger tips. I didn’t even realize that I was hurt. I guess I went numb to pain when I saw my mother.

“We’re going to take you in for some observations and tests. Stay here,” she said before hopping in the ambulance and picking out a few packaged bandages and other supplies.

The crowd of people started to slowly move away from my mother. My heart sank when I saw it. They were preparing to zip her up in a black body bag like she was packaged meat. I immediately ran over to her, pushing everyone out of my way.

“No, this can’t be happening! Mom! No, no, no, no, no! This isn’t real!” I said out loud without realizing.

The same officer from before pulled me away from the scene.

“Let me go! That’s my mom!” I shouted while trying to get away.

He grabbed me by both of my shoulders forcing me to face him.

“I’m sorry, I really am but they did everything. You can’t go over there right now. Do you have any other family to call?”

That question lingered in my mind before I made the call to Mason to let him know that I was leaving. He was my only family. I told him not to tell his mom and dad my real reason for wanting to leave Karson; he promised me he wouldn’t. We planned to give my face some time to heal so there wouldn’t be any questions asked. During that time I stayed far away from Karson, making sure I wouldn’t give him any reason at all to go off.

About two weeks later I was living a new life in a new home with the only family I had left. My aunt and uncle welcomed me with open arms. I was always like a second son to them. Mason and I grew up together and were more like brothers than cousins. That’s how I knew that I could trust him. We knew all of each others' secrets and never judged. In reality, Mason saved my life a number of times and no one ever found out about it. He kept every moment to himself. I owed him more than I could ever repay. 

To find out more about Peyton pick up your copy of A Tragic Heart now! 

Split Your Heart, Not Your Tongue

This is a song that I wrote almost a year ago while I was sitting in my History of Rock Music class at SUNY Oneonta. To this day I think it's one of the most honest things I've ever written. Although times and feelings have changed since then, I felt like it was something still worth sharing. I thought of the title "Split Your Heart, Not Your Tongue" because I was tired of how we constantly hold our tongue because we're afraid of what others may think instead of pouring our hearts out honestly. Another title for this song could have been "Honesty".

Why did you let her walk alone?
How was she to know she wasn't on her own?
No one ever told her that she was more than enough
So she never even knew mattered

Someone should've told her that it wasn't that bad
Someone should've told her that's not all she had
And if someone told her that she was beautiful
Maybe she'd still be here

Do you know how hard it is to feel a God you can't see?
Do you know how hard it is to feel content when you're lonely?
Faith is an evaporated substance of hope
And trust is something that she'd never known

Someone should've told her that it wasn't that bad
Someone should've told her that's not all she had
And if someone told her that she was beautiful
Maybe she'd still be here

You let them eat her heart & spit it out!!!!
She was never good enough for the world
You should've told her she was more than just a girl

Do you know how hard it is to feel a God you can't see?
Do you know how hard it is to feel content when you're lonely?
Faith is an evaporated substance of hope
And trust is something that she'd never known

So someone should have told her so...

As I Sit...

As I sit here and write this

I realize I have nothing to say

There's nothing important

But I feel like I should seize the day

That's what the man told me to do

So I think I should follow

It's only right, right?

But instructions never leave me hallowed

Instead, I become a bitter rebel

Screaming to the top of my lungs

I don't know what I'm fighting against yet

But I'm tired of us all splitting our tongues

So I sit here and write this

With nothing to say

Somehow I just said a mouthful

But it probably won't matter today...

 

 

 

Escape Route (Any Suggestions?)

"Not quite a victory to run from your problems
But it's the only plan that I got...
It's the only plan that I got"

  

I'm sad. Not about a particular thing or situation...just in general. It's not the kind of sad that will go away because today was a good day, it's the kind of sad that's deep rooted and keeps you fixated in one lonely space. 

Have you ever felt like everyone was moving on while you were stuck to rot in a dark hole all alone? Maybe you do but even if you don't you could imagine how torturous that feels, so therefore, I'm sad and I'm not sure if there's anything that I could do about it.

I'm not writing this to whine or complain, I'm writing it because I'm sure there are others out there that are just as sad but are too afraid to admit it. Too many times we die alone with our emotions eating away at us because we never say anything about it. Maybe if we said something, something will give...or maybe not.

I'm sad because I'm tied down in a place I no longer want to be in. I'm sad because there are countless curve balls being thrown in my direction at the worst times possible. I'm sad because life keeps on moving at a faster rate than I can even comprehend yet time is moving so slowly. I'm sad because all of my friends are gone and are somewhere happy with sunshine and rainbows and I'm six feet underground with the sound of my own screams.

I'm sad because it's snowing and it's winter; because even when the sun is out, it's cold...because today is Monday and the month is February. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sad because today is another day. 

I don't want you to think that I'm ungrateful so I usually never complain but there comes a time when we all need to vent. I guess now I'm looking for an escape route but for some reason I keep coming back full circle. It's like being trapped in an underground dungeon that was made to keep you moving around the same place over and over. When you think you finally see an opening it's just where you started from. 

I'm sad because life is a tease and I've been teased enough in my life. Life's a war and so far I've lost every battle. It's a game where the rules are set up for you lose and I can never be okay with that. I tried this thing called hope...but um...yeah.

So basically I'm sad because no one gets that and everyone are throwing empty solutions in my direction. I'm currently trying to come up with a route that will lead to somewhere but instead I just keep writing because there is nothing else that takes my mind away or allows me to think straight. I'm not sure where to start or who to share any ideas with because I'm alone in this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way but I'm one of the only to confess it in a very public setting. 

Maybe this entire blog post is useless. Maybe it'll just be like all of the other times where I say I'm sad but no one actually listens or even tries to understand that. Maybe I'll just get over it by ignoring the feeling like I always do. I'm sad and I thought that someone should know that...

"But time has not been kind.
It's not been kind to me.
It's winding backwards."

Leave Bieber Alone! (How We Create Monsters & Then Trash Our Own Creations)

"I will not quit this game because of what the media has done to me."-Michael Jordan

First off, let me start by saying that in no way am I a "Belieber" or a superfan of Justin Bieber. The only song I own by him on my iTunes is his debut single "Baby". But apparently, this is enough for me to defend him. 

If you don't know by now, Bieber has been getting himself into a load of trouble lately. He's been on the front page of every celebrity news site and if you turned on your television you've probably seen him on every news channel. Now, the problem I have with all of this is that instead of helping him and giving him the space that he needs, the media is demonizing him. Everyone has something to say about his behavior but no one wants to lend a helping hand. Everyone's a critic but no one wants to make their criticism constructive.

Before you attack me with "he's doing it to himself" or "he deserves it all", the truth is he doesn't deserve any of this. No one deserves this. When are we going to learn that sticking a camera in someone's face while they're going through their trials is never a good idea. Since when was it okay to post videos of someone in court and pictures of their mugshot for everyone to see? Just because his job is to be in the public eye doesn't mean that his personal life shouldn't belong to him.

I am not defending his actions but I am defending his right to privacy and his age. He's a 19 year old boy who drinks and party (why doesn't this sound out of the ordinary?). The only difference between Bieber and the average 19 year old male is that he has a large sum of money and fame to go with it. Underage drinking is illegal but how many of you out there has done the same thing when you were in college (and even before that)? And drag racing for a young boy isn't anything new (just ask why insurance rates are higher for boys than girls). Besides, it's already been stated that he wasn't even racing his car, it was just another story that the media needed to run with.

What I'm trying to say is let's not be too quick to judge. He's not an angel but he's not the devil either. Seeing all of the pictures and videos, not to mention the horrific comments about him brings me back to 2007 and seeing what they did to Britney Spears. It's like Charlie Sheen all over again. Most people are afraid that the more attention you give him, the more he'll lash out because he wants the attention. Maybe that's not the reason why he'll lash out more. Maybe he'll lash out because the attention and the constant hate is all too much. Imagine if every mistake you have ever made as a teenager/young adult was photographed and video taped, then posted on the internet for everyone in the world to see? How you would react? How would you feel? You can't tell me that you haven't done anything remotely close to what Bieber is being demonized for. Again, not saying that what he is doing is right but how can we judge someone we know nothing about.

What worries me more is that Bieber's action could be a cry for help as opposed to "give me attention!" We're always so quick to judge and throw dirt on someone and the moment they have a mental breakdown we go down the "sorry" route. "I'm glad he's getting the help that he needs", "Stay strong Bieber" will be the comments once it's announced that he's been checked into a rehab facility or worse. Then we'll be waiting for a grand comeback and make him out to be bigger than life itself. We have to stop building monsters and then spitting on our own creations and blame them for malfunctioning. The media and the general public condones this and then wonder why it becomes a trend for young stars.

Now, many people are worried that he'll influence their children or his loyal beliebers but the truth is, people know right from wrong. If your kid doesn't know that underage drinking is bad by the time they're 15 you should probably be questioning your parenting skills. If they do know but still choose to do it, don't be so quick to blame a celebrity who has no power in your household. What I've learned in life is that people are going to do what they want at whatever age. I've seen many great and awesome parents have children that turned out to be exactly what they were afraid of. You know why, because after a certain age you can no longer choose what you want your child to do or believe in. Bieber isn't going to make your child drink or smoke before they're 21...college will do that. He's not going to make them lose their virginity before marriage...hormones will do that. We should stop placing the blame where it doesn't belong. 

I don't mean to get all "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" on you guys but in reality we should leave Bieber alone. Maybe alone time and zero attention is what he needs at the moment. Maybe some time to make mistakes without there being a camera flash is the answer. One thing is for certain, demonizing him isn't the way to go. 

I don't want to see Bieber become another child star gone wrong...someone who had the world in his hands and then drops it completely. Sadly, I think the world would rather see him fall until they're ready for him to rise again...IF they're ever ready. It saddens me when I see people who once loved and supported him turn on him so quickly. It just proves that there wasn't any love there from the start...just infatuation. You don't leave someone when they need help the most and you certainly don't kick someone when they're already down. Let's stop the name calling, pointing fingers, and the ugly comments. It's not helping anyone in the long run.

"People are already beaten down enough by life. Don't contribute to it. Use your words to encourage someone."-Damien Echols

I will not quit this game because of what the media has done to me.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/media.html#MUZiTUHhqBiwklXX.99

I will not quit this game because of what the media has done to me.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/media.html#MUZiTUHhqBiwklXX.99

YouTube Links!

I feel like A Tragic Heart has so many themes that one focus isn't enough to give you an idea on what the novel is about. I will be making trailers throughout the week based off of the many themes of the novel. Here are two links to two of my new book trailers on YouTube:

Self Harm Theme:Trailer #1

Love Triangle Theme:Trailer #2

MORE TO COME SOON! MEANWHILE PICK UP A TRAGIC HEART HERE: http://www.amazon.com/Tragic-Heart-S-Elle-Cameron/dp/1489591060/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390613250&sr=1-1&keywords=a+tragic+heart

Silly Agents! Self Harm is for Emos!

"All the writers keep writing what they write
Somewhere another pretty vein just dies
I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see
That you’re the antidote to everything except for me"

The last time I posted a blog it was about literary agents and their lack of diversity when it comes to accepting manuscripts. If you didn't already know, I published my first novel, A Tragic Heart through Amazon's CreateSpace and now I am seeking representation. Well, I've already been rejected over 20 times even though every reader of A Tragic Heart agrees that the novel is more than worthy of the public's attention. My reason for being rejected so many times is solely based on marketing.

Marketing. Such an ugly word that every writer must learn or either pull the plug on your career.  I've received so many rejection letters via email because agents believe that books that touches upon self-harm and suicide doesn't really have a market. They believe there's no way to promote it. Hahahaha! I'm seriously laughing at them and their uneducated ignorant minds! Have these people never heard of Fall Out Boy or Paramore? Better yet, have they never heard of one of the biggest charity organization that goes by the name To Write Love On Her Arms? The whole freaking organization is a suicide prevention charity! Yet, they say that there's no market!

The topic of self-harm and suicide is an untapped market mostly because everyone is too afraid to go there. No one ever speaks about these issues so it seems like everything's fine. The truth is we all know someone who either self harms or contemplated suicide at one point in their lives. In some cases, that person is us but no one talks about it so the common belief is that majority of us are okay. We're not.

Did you know statistically speaking that every one of us has thought about suicide as an option? If this is true, why don't we speak about it? I'll tell you why, because the world is afraid of anything that isn't sunshine and rainbows. Not everything is a love story, not everything is a mystery or a horror. A true writer writes what they feel and what others are afraid to even think. That's what makes writing good. Some things need to be spoken about. 

The common belief that books about suicide, self harm, and drugs are only for emos is a myth! If it's marketing that these agents fear, then maybe they should quit their jobs because who wants to live in a box full of misconceptions and ignorance? Well, thinking twice, maybe some of them do...

I don't mean to make suicide or self harm a marketing scheme but to say that theoretically no one would care to read books about these topics unless they're for medical research is absurd! I'm sure parents of children who struggle with these issues would love to understand what their children are going through or what they may be thinking on a day to day basis. Heck! Even brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles of these people would like to gain a better understanding. 

Growing up I felt like no one understood me (actually I feel like this now on a daily basis) and maybe if there were more books available that talked about these things, the people around me would have started to question their misconceptions about me. The world has learned to label anyone struggling with these issues as "attention seekers". No one ever thinks to say something or try to dig a little deeper. 

We're always told that "we think it's all about us" and that "it's not how the world works". Do you honestly believe we want all of that attention? Why would we want the world to revolve around us when all it would do is turn us into an even bigger freak show?

I thank writers like Ellen Hopkins, Jay Asher, Cheryl Rainfield for writing about real issues and not being afraid. I also thank the public for turning them into bestselling authors, proving those literary agents wrong when they say there is no market for such things. If their success isn't proof enough for you, then you remain ignorant.

Just search the hashtags #selfharm, #suicide, #emo, and #cutter on Twitter and Instagram, then tell me what you find. Shocking right? Now if you add #depressed, #scars, and #nohope to the list your heart may break. No one caters to them because everyone is looking from a business standpoint and us emos aren't included. We don't matter. Our "market" isn't big enough to be addressed. 

There are millions and they don't deserve to be noticed for marketing reasons or money, they deserve to be noticed because they should know that it can be better and whatever they do affects everyone else around them. By ignoring their "market" you are essentially ignoring them. 

A Tragic Heart isn't all about self harm and suicide attempts. It's much more than that. There a love story, humor, and depictions of everyday life for teenagers and young adults. It goes beyond a young adult novel and crosses over to adult fiction. It's something in it for everyone and it shouldn't be aimed at a market. It's for anyone who has ever felt anything at all.

Sexual abuse happens (just ask the brave and beautiful red head, Rachel Thompson) so it should be talked about. Drug addiction and teen prostitution take over lives, just talk to Ellen Hopkins about it. Suicide hurts...Jay Asher gets that.

Sexual abuse happens to more than a market of people. Drug addiction isn't something only felt by the underprivileged. Teen prostitution doesn't only touch those involved. Self harm and suicide isn't only for emos.

"Wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me......"So broke our spirit, " says the note we pass"

 

 

 

Native Tongue: A Post for Literary Agents

"Living in a city of sleepless people
Who all know the limits and won't go too far outside the lines
Cause they're' out of their minds."

"Generally the agents seem to dislike anything too violent or depressing, and stress that writers should "sell a solution, not a problem." This is a comment under a literary agency's information. A few days ago I expressed over Twitter and Facebook how I find it troubling that agents shy away from topics such as suicide, rape, and drugs because these are real issues that happen to real people. We all don't live in a fairytale land where the leading character finds love in the end and the only issue she had to deal with was bullying (not that bullying isn't a serious issue). No one wants to go there. Everyone wants to play it "safe" and not cross the line that will possibly cement them a spot in history. 

Another troubling aspect about the comment above is how do they know if the author is selling a solution or a problem if they're not reading the material? I sent in a query letter along with sample writing at 11:51 am and by 12:12 pm I had my 12th rejection letter in my inbox (by the way, I received #13 a couple of hours later...one more and I'm tied with J.K. Rowling). You would think these literary agents would have learned their lessons by now. If you were to go to www.literaryrejections.com you can see how some of the most iconic writing pieces were rejected and slammed by literary agents and publishers only to leave them kicking themselves on their backsides in the end. Want to know the real problem? They don't know what the people want and they only go by the "standards" they were taught in school. A true visionary and writer can see past "school standards" and know that crossing lines is necessary sometimes. Sadly, all of my rejections have said the same thing: "I'm not enthusiastic about the concept", "I can't grasp the concept", "You deserve an agent who is passionate about your concept".

HOLD UP ONE MINUTE!!!!!!!

So you're basically telling me that my writing skills, plot, setting, OR character development are NOT the reasons you're rejecting me but because I choose to share a personal experience in a fictional manner that touches on issues needed to be spoken about? See, I can write the generic love story and get bashed by "the people" and I can become a basic "writer" like most but I choose to take risks because I believe in building my own voice. I'm not here to write about what you want me to write about, I'm here for MY art and eventually someone will like it (actually NOT ONE reader has been disappointed...and that's what matters most). I refuse to change my topic or story because the world is simple minded and unoriginal. You see, I can be generic...but that's not me! To quote my favorite band, "I got a light that won't go out, been burning since the day I was born! So I cry just a little then I dry my eyes 'cause I'm not a little girl no more!" Basically, basic isn't in my vocabulary and neither is generic or safe. I always liked the wild rides anyway.

"They think we’re crazy ‘cause it sounds like noise to them. Ain’t it strange all the things you hear when you sit and listen?"

But really, imagine all of the things you can hear and learn when you sit and listen? Maybe if these agents gave something a little outside of their comfort zone a chance, they would love it. Or maybe they just don't speak the same language as some of us. I wrote this for myself but I also wrote it for all of the broken ones out there. A Tragic Heart was meant to give others something to relate to. There weren't (and still aren't) many books that talk about self-mutilation, depression, or any mental illness for that matter. Why should I change my story because they can't speak our language? Maybe if they read more stories like it, they can speak emo too (hahaha, but in order for them to read those stories they would have to start accepting them...oh, the irony!). 

We feel like no one understands us, like we're the only ones in the world going through it even though we know logically it's not true. All I can say is that it would have helped a lot if I had more books like A Tragic Heart, Scars, Impulse, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower growing up. Haven't these people heard of Cheryl Rainfield and Ellen Hopkins? They're best-selling authors who saw success through writing about some of the most touchy subjects. The reason why they were so successful: people related. It's simple, really. 

Nicholas Sparks is a great writer but how many of us can honestly say we lived The Notebook or The Last Song? I'm sure more people felt the way Charlie did in The Perks of Being A Wallflower. If everyone accepts the same things how can anyone find room to be different? Rejecting taboo topics is like rejecting life and people's personal struggles. It's like saying "your experience isn't good or interesting enough". It's like saying "your hardships and conquering isn't something worth writing or telling about". It should be common sense that feelings of rejection, loneliness, and unworthiness are things that should be written and spoken about. 

Now, I'm not saying that all literary agents are generic and close minded because there are a few that speak my native tongue, I just have to find them (or maybe they will find me). As Paramore says, "...if you give up, you get what you deserve!"

"How can they say that it’s one way when it’s the opposite? And how can they know the end of the story before I tell it?

The Art of Giving Up

"22 is like the worst idea that I've ever had. There's too much pain, it's too much freedom what should I do with this? It's not the way you plan it, but how you make it happen!"

"Encouragement gets old," those are the words that came out of my mouth around 9:50 this morning. Do you want to know why I uttered those pessimistic words? Simply because it's true. If you haven't noticed I'm not in a very encouraging mood today and I honestly haven't been for a while. After Australia, Dubai, and Italy, life came down a lot...more like crashed and burned because fantasy life was over.

I don't want to encourage anyone today, that's what my previous posts are for, instead I want to be honest about how much life sucks and it's more than okay to admit that at times. I've always joked that the title of Paramore's song "For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic" is the best way to describe my personality. I've always been the downer and the "dark" one in the crowd so my recent posts of light shedding is a rare thing. Maybe I was on a vacation high. Maybe something has gotten into me...who knows? All I know now is that twenty two really does feel like the worst idea that I've ever had. 

Life is hard when the high is gone and cloud 9 evaporates into thin air. This is what happened to me in the recent weeks. I knew that life was hard from past experiences but just when it seems to get better, reality hits and it gets worse. Does it ever really get any better or do we just learn how to deal with the pain as time goes by? 

Lately, rejection has been the reason why I feel like I want to give up. I've been getting rejected from almost everything in my life. It's to the point that I'm surprised my dog even still looks at me as a valuable person. Ever get that feeling that you're simply not good enough? Yeah, well, that's been the feeling I've had for a long time. My biggest fear has always been becoming a failure by my own standards and lately my life has been heading in that direction. 

In the beginning, I honestly thought that I would beat the odds but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be mediocre or average but I'm afraid that's the road I'm driving down. No matter how hard I try it seems like every sign is pointing to the exit that reads "mediocrity". I don't want to live my life struggling to live or make it day by day. I want to be the one who excels and passes by all of the bumps in the road. I want to be special and stand out from the crowd. No matter how much I want to, I can't seem to give up because of my fear of failure. Do you know how exhausting it is to not even be good enough to give up? You may not believe it but giving up is an art.

It takes a lot to give up when you once wanted something so badly. It takes a lot of dedication to never return to the thing you once loved (or still love). First you have to convince yourself that it you don't want it all that much, that it's simply just not worth it. How do you do that when you've only dreamed of success? I never saw myself as anything less than that person I want to be. Then after you convinced yourself, you have to entirely forget about the past you that had a crazy dream that didn't come true. Last, you have to force yourself to become content with your current position in life. In other words, you have to get comfortable where you are in life and it's really hard to get comfortable in a place you don't want to be. I've always heard that it's easy to give up and it's easy to get comfortable but it wasn't until recently that I learned the art of giving up and I'm still not so sure that I'm ready to go there. On the other hand, I don't know how much more rejection I can take.

I had to write on my Twitter page as a reminder to myself that in life you will always hear the word "no" more than "yes" but we must hold on because all we need is one "yes" to get us going. But what happens when you get the feeling that you're just wasting your time and you'll just be another number in the crowd with a story of an old dream that never happened? What do you do when you feel like there's no point in trying for that one "yes". Encouragement gets old and it no longer works. After a while it just sounds like a bunch of cattle manure that those annoying optimist use to hear themselves say something so they can continue feeling important. Like, really, who smiles that much anyway? 

I thought maybe if I wrote something honest that I would feel a lot better. Well, I guess I feel better...just not a lot. The feelings are still there, but the truth is they don't go away that easily. There's not much that anyone can say or do that'll change how I feel. I don't want to be a failure so I continue to keep going but it's getting harder everyday. It's exhausting and discouraging. I keep holding on to hope but I want to let it go because hope makes a fool of us. The only thing left to do is choose. Do I want to be a fool or a failure?

 

 

This Is Living...

 "...Every step feels so brand new. It's hard to jump with no net but I've jumped and got no regret."

During the past two weeks I learned what living is and let me tell you...it's exactly what everyone hyped it up to be! Remember when I wrote about how important it is to dream and that daydreaming leads to living...I took my own advice and made my dreams into a reality.

I spent my last few weeks in Australia (my dream place), Dubai, and Italy. It was as if one day I was wishing and hoping to see Australia at least once in my lifetime and the next, I was petting Koalas and Kangaroos at Steve Irwin's zoo in Brisbane! I went sightseeing in Newcastle and skydiving in Picton, Australia. Most of my time was spent in Sydney where I met new people and got a new tattoo. 

It's not exactly what I did in Australia that made it memorable or that made it all worth it, it's what I learned. I learned about adventure and risk taking, but those weren't the most important lessons. The lesson that mattered the most to me was the lesson of learning to live. For so long, I was just simply existing in a world that would someday kill me and it wasn't until I actually went out to see the world that I learned there was an alternative to existing...and it's called LIVING!

For those of you who never experienced life, this is what it feels like: better than dreaming. When Dr. Seuss once said "you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams" he didn't just mean falling in love with a significant other. For the first time ever, I felt like I was in love with life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is no greater feeling than doing exactly what you always dreamed of. There is no greater feeling than knowing that you can't get better than reality. There's something so rewarding when you can say to yourself "this is living..."

I've had my trying times and I had my moments where I wanted to not exist and give it all up but the last few weeks made me grateful that I decided to stick around. How could I give up the possibility of living my dreams and seeing more of the world than I ever thought of? My whole point is to say: never give up because your present is messy. Where you are right now doesn't depict where you will be or end up. Don't worry if you're not "living" at the moment, work on bringing yourself to life. Learn to say forget everything and everyone and do what makes you happy. Take the driver's seat so you can eventually let go and become the passenger and see all of the sights as you drive by. 

Getting lost in a new and foreign town was both amazing and scary. At one point I told my boyfriend "let's get lost and see things we didn't plan on seeing." It was during moments like this one that I realized how important learning to live is. Sometimes just learning to enjoy the ride is all you need to pick up on the lesson. 

This post wasn't meant to be long, it was meant to tell everyone else to learn the lesson that I learned over the past two weeks. I discovered that existing and living truly are two different concepts and we all should learn the second one before it's too late. Life is short but it can be filled with so many wonders if you let it in. Become the world's passenger and be sure to look around and enjoy the view.

Enjoy a few pictures from my trip to Australia while I made stops in Dubai and Italy!

 The famous Aquarium in Sydney, Australia.

 Steve Irwin's zoo in Brisbane, Australia!

 Darling Harbour, Sydney.

 Darling Harbour.

 A sleeping Koala

 Newcastle sight.

 Sunset in Australia from our cruise ship.

 The Italian Alps, Milan, Italy.

Don't Wake Me Up from Daydreaming...

"I wanna get out and build my own home on a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had. A dream is all I have..."

 

They always tell us not to sleep for too long; it's the ones that's wide awake that will take the winning. Always keep your eyes wide open because that way you won't miss a thing. I say, close your eyes and keep them shut tight. Who needs to see when you can dream?

 

Being wide awake doesn't allow you to think of anything new. Staying awake only allows you to see what's in front of you, but dreaming gets you everywhere. Dreaming gives you the greatest ideas and the adrenaline to keep you going. Dreaming is sometimes all we have and if we never close our eyes, we would never know what lies inside of our minds. 

 

Just because you need to open your eyes sometimes doesn't mean you always have to be wide awake. It's okay to be alert but you have to allow yourself room to daydream and see visions through your eyelids. They say dreamers are fools or they have their heads in the clouds but it is possible to keep your feet on the ground while you're worlds away. 

 

Dreaming isn't only for the young, anyone can do it. We shouldn't limit ourselves to the average six to eight hours of dreaming we get every night, we should be dreaming all of the time. Without dreams, there would be nothing...we would be nothing. Everything starts with a dream, a vision only you can see. That's what makes dreaming so important.

 

Everyone has a different vision so why let yours become entrapped in reality when you can do the impossible by simply closing your eyes? Of course dreaming takes action but how can you take action if you never take the time to dream? Action with no purpose is useless. It's like driving without a destination: long, frustrating, and eventually you'll run out of gas.

 

Reality has life they say, but there were times in my dreams where I've never felt more alive. I'm sure you all know that feeling; that feeling where if someone pinched you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between reality and your dreamworld...well, that's how life should be too. You should be dreaming so often that eventually you won't be able to tell the difference. Before you know it, you've made your dreams a reality and that's when you see the importance of having a dream. A dream isn't just a made up world in your head, it's a vision that's meant to become real enough to live through.

 

You may be thinking that the problem with dreams are that they never have an ending. It all usually abruptly ends or fades into oblivion causing you to feel uneasy or always wondering what would have happened. See, that's the thing about dreams, they give you the most important thing you need...a start! The rest of it is up to you. 

 

Wouldn't you rather live in your most exciting dream than be where you are now? What if I told you that you can? What if I told you that it's all possible? Would you close your eyes and get started now? Or would you take the safe road and be on the look out for all of the "what ifs"? 

 

The sleepless ones are always caught up with limitations that keep them trapped in a world where only the things you can touch are real. The daydreamers are the ones who break the boundaries of life and truly come alive. When there's a problem, the sleepless find something "real" to fix the issue, the daydreamers create a monster to fight off the villain. It's not hard to see which storyline is more exciting. Why use someone else creation when you can come up with your own?

 

So, next time you doubt dreaming and you think about staying awake "to get more done"just remember that the sleepless eventually go insane...

 

DREAMERS ALWAYS WIN!

A look at my dream that became a reality:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Tragic-Heart-S-Elle-Cameron/dp/1489591060/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383232401&sr=1-1&keywords=a+tragic+heart

 

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-tragic-heart-s-elle-cameron/1117024173?ean=9781489591067

It's Here and Now...

It's Here and Now...

It's official! My first novel, "A Tragic Heart" is here and now anyone in almost any part of the world can pick up a copy. I know it's been a while but I've been busy not only with the release of my first novel but also other business excursions. 

I've decided to stop sleeping on myself and do something about my dreams and goals. I never meant for this to sound sappy or mushy but I simply got tired of feeling "average". There are just times when you have to tell yourself "the time is here and now." 

Waiting can turn into "never" and "never" turns into "regret". I never want to feel the regret of not trying. I think as humans we always try to wait for the best times to start pursuing something but waiting can be deadly. Maybe there is no "right" time because there isn't enough time. 

Theoretically we only have about nine years of our lives to do what we want after factoring in the time we use for working and taking care of everything else, so why not start now? For one, I know that I need more than nine years to pursue everything that I envision for myself so I woke myself up and decided to go without waiting for the light to change. Lights are meant to direct traffic and I just want to be in my own lane on my own highway. No time for red or yellow lights...

Am I sure that I know what I'm doing? Do I know if I'm making a mistake? What if it all goes to hell and drags me along for the painful ride? So, what if it does? At least I can regret trying instead of regretting the "what ifs". The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm learning as I go. I don't know if I'm making a mistake but if I am, I'll learn from it. Life is all about learning and perfection is boring. Where's the excitement in getting it right all of the time? Shouldn't we live for the unexpected? Both bad and good? I think so...

Waiting is mediocrity, second guessing is crippling, and worrying is pointless. I never thought I would be the one saying go for the jump and pray that you take a leap but there comes a time that everyone must change who they are to get to where they are going. Hiding behind waiting or "that right time" is only going to fill you with regret and sorrow. You want to feel better about yourself? Just go for it! 

There will be criticism and you should take the constructive kind, but remain blinded to the negative. Someone will always have something to say and as long as you are happy with your decisions, that is all that matters. Someone will always disagree with you or try to argue their opinion but opinions are like........noses: everybody has one.

Now, of course this also means to use better judgment and to always be rational but also know that thinking for too long will only keep you in that one spot. Thinking only equals progress when you're taking action over your thoughts.

So, let's raise a glass to taking chances! Here's to here and now...

Included are links to the product of my "here and now":

http://www.amazon.com/S.-Elle-Cameron/e/B00FNI34X4

https://www.createspace.com/4217284

A Lullaby For the Suicidal Cats...

"We're the kids who feel like dead ends...And the poets are just kids who didn't make it...and never had it at all..."

 If you bothered to read the back cover text for my upcoming novel "A Tragic Heart" then you are already aware that the novel touches heavily upon the topic of mental illness. Although the concept of self-mutilation and depression are becoming more and more mainstream in our culture, my fear is that it is not recognized enough and never will be. The opinions and stigmas that are held by many people in today's society toward those who suffer from a mental illness isn't so far from the 1950s where many thought it was okay to perform a lobotomy on anyone deemed as "crazy" or "mentally ill." As a society, our actions from a medical standpoint may have improved but our beliefs haven't really changed at all.

Even though recent studies have shown that people who are deemed as mentally ill tend to have some form of creative gift present within them, it's still not enough for society to change their viewpoint of those who are affected by the term. I've witnessed too many times, others being called "crazy" or "incompetent" because they were officially diagnosed as being bipolar, schizophrenic, depressed, or suffered from anxiety, OCD, or ADD/ADHD. Having a mental illness doesn't mean that you are incompetent or worth less than anyone else. It just means that you were given something extra that sets you apart from the crowd. Since when was standing out a bad thing?

Society has placed a standard for what is "normal" and what is "crazy" but who is to say that society is always right? I mean, society also deemed homosexuality as a mental illness at one time also, but let's not stray too far away from the topic here...

Over the past few days, after countless conversations about the topic of mental illness, I felt compelled to write about what it really means to be mentally ill and how we should approach those who are pained by a particular illness. What gets me angry is when people can boldly and honestly state that those who "act out" or suffer from a mental illness are only doing so for attention. I believe this is something we humans say when we can't fully understand something (kind of like saying something doesn't exist or can't be good because we can't figure it out). I am here to shout on behalf of all people who must endure the "curse" of a mental illness: THE LAST THING WE WANT IS ATTENTION. WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS;IT IS NOT A CHOICE! Contrary to popular belief, of course.

 Now, I would say that happiness is a choice but only to an extent. There are just simply times when it is impossible to smile or to hold back tears that so desperately want to fall. This is what it feels like everyday for someone who is suffering from depression. Keeping calm is not a simple option for the one who has anxiety. Doing what makes "sense" to others isn't a choice for schizos and the often ignored bipolar folks. Saying "just focus" doesn't help the ADD/ADHD or OCD students. How can you focus when there are so many other things to pay attention to? How can you smile when everyday is the new worst day of your life? Do you really think you can stay calm when your heart decides it wants to be speed racer on steroids?  How can you act like everyone else when your mind decides for you that it wants to be free and break all the rules? Now, take your time and answer these questions to yourself...

I remember (and I'm sure you do too) Britney's infamous meltdown during 2006-2008 and how everyone condemned her with their hateful words and opinions. "She's trash!" "Ugh, she's disgusting!" "That girl is crazy!" "It must be drugs!" "She just wants attention because she's not as famous as she used to be!" These were just a few things the world was saying about her but not one person stopped to ask her how she was doing or what she was feeling inside. No one ever stopped to think that maybe she needed guidance or professional help until things got really bad. Even today, her image is forever tainted because she had a mental illness that wasn't being treated. Maybe if the world took half the amount of time they used criticizing her to give her space or send positivity her way, she wouldn't have had to hit rock bottom to rise to the top again. Sadly, we give the same criticism to our friends and family who are a lot like Britney. Instead of helping them, we shake our heads and whisper with others about their behavior.

So, how do we approach those who are clearly not in their right state of mind? Should we yell at them? Bombard them with questions and demand that they get help? Tell them to get their act together or else? Pray for them and then condescendingly tell them that they need a closer relationship with God? From my experience and listening to others, all of the above are unacceptable and should be avoided! We're so quick to give advice especially when we want what's in that person's best interest but as the old saying goes: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

We may feel like we have the answers for them to get better and we know them best because they are our children, sisters, brothers, parents, or maybe even best friends, but the truth is, no one knows better than they do. No one knows the pain they feel and the confusion that goes on in their minds better than they do. For the most part, they know when they need to be left alone, they know what type of person they want to talk to, they know when they're ready...

Of course there are exceptions and some people may need assistance from others and be placed under a conservatorship for a little while but these people are not forever incompetent. They are not beneath you because they were once held under a psychiatric hold. The measurement of their future success cannot be determined because a doctor said that they are bipolar and you witnessed them take actions that seemed highly irrational in the past. A mental illness does not define a person; it is only a part of who they are. 

The self-mutilator isn't an attention seeker;they are simply frustrated and couldn't find a better way. A cry for help should never be confused or synonymous with attention seeking. The schizophrenic is not crazy, just temporarily confused. The bipolar boy is not a danger to everyone around him...besides I'm sure he buys his girlfriend flowers just because and he's a great creative writer. The kid with ADD/ADHD isn't useless...they turn out to be Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon 5). The one with anxiety isn't a time bomb waiting to blow...they just haven't had the chance to show the world how great they are so it may make them a bit anxious. 

We've all heard celebrities endorse that "it gets better" and we've all seen the posters that says we're all irreplaceable, but a celebrity endorsement and a poster isn't enough. A textbook and a therapist can't give us all of the answers. We shouldn't only rely on these things as our only sources to gain a better understanding of mental illness. We should stop being ignorant for once and find the answers on our own. Maybe then we can destroy the 1950s mentality and start treating everyone as equals. Maybe then there would be less suicides and self-mutilators. Maybe then we will understand...

Feel free to leave comments and start a discussion...

The Battle...

"There's a battle within that I'll never win, because it's me that I'm up against, it's my heart versus common sense."

Anyone who knows me knows that I get all of my inspiration from music and the artists who makes it. I like to think that I'm pretty well rounded in my choices and what I listen to, though I will admit that I lean more towards anything that has deep lyrical meaning. You may be wondering what this has to do with anything but since this is my first official blog post I just thought it would be a great idea to begin with something personal...and it doesn't get anymore personal than knowing about my longtime obsession with music.

As many of you know, I'm preparing to release my first novel entitled "A Tragic Heart". I couldn't be anymore excited and nervous...mostly the latter. From time to time you guys may witness me starting a blog post with a quote (more than likely taken from a song) simply because I  don't always have the right words to say what I'm feeling. The only way I've ever known how to express myself was through writing which is how my first novel came to be. Almost everything I write is based off of experience or someone I've come encounter with somewhere down the road of life.

I've never been so open about anything ever in my life and it makes my stomach feel like it's doing one hundred jumping jacks per minute while trying to withstand an earthquake...okay maybe that's a bit dramatic but it's also accurate. I never put myself "out there" before and I know they say there's a first for everything but I never knew it would be this intimidating. I was never one to have a huge ego or the highest esteem which is why it feels like I'm battling myself. 

I fight to tell myself that I'll do fine and this will be a success but there's always that wretched little voice in the back of my mind that quietly whispers that this will be a disaster just like most things. So I tell myself, "don't listen, this is your time," just before that little voice laughs and says "yeah, right!" 

Okay! Enough with the melodrama! I'm sure that's what you're thinking by now. Maybe you're thinking, "you wrote an entire book, what are you complaining about?" Yeah, you're right about that one but it still doesn't take away that nervous feeling that follows me around everywhere. All my life I just wanted to matter and to be remembered for doing something....well memorable! Now that I have the chance it's much scarier than I thought it would be. How do you obtain greatness when you are competing with the greatest? How do you stand out when you're one in over seven billion? There's so much talent in the world that I'm afraid that mine will go unnoticed. 

...But even after the bloody battle between my heart and my common sense, I know in the end I have to take a chance because if I don't we'll never know, now would we? So, even though I may sound a bit dramatic and I may even doubt myself at times, I'm going to do it anyway. Maybe doing it anyway will turn out to be another insignificant attempt in my life, but hey, at least I did it, right?

A Simple Hello For Now!

New to this blogging thing, so for now I just want to thank everyone who gave my blog a visit. Soon enough you all will be able to get an insight into my personal life, feelings, and ideas. Here you will find short stories that I create just for the heck of it and some will be based on characters from my novels. I'm excited and nervous about starting this new journey in my life and I hope that you all will come for the ride with me! I'll be back later to create my first real post. Just figuring this all out for now...