S. Elle Cameron

All love is a tragedy...

Filtering by Tag: Paramore

Jackson: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Short Story #11)

NEW SHORT STORY ALERT! This one is extra special because it's going to be part of a book I am going to start working on very soon. It's connected with the A Tragic Heart series but is strictly told from Adalyn and Jackson's POV. Two supporting characters are being turned into the stars!

At first I was iffy about the idea because I didn't want to drag it but I realized while on Parahoy that Paramore's music inspired it and as long as they're going to continue on, why shouldn't I. I won't make this book part 5 of the series but it will act as a stand alone novel that is heavily associated with the others. Basically, it will help a lot if you read the first 4 before reading this one but you won't have to. It won't be a long one either...probably 150-200 pages maximum. The name of the book will be the same as this short story, Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I'll give you more info on it in another post very soon. For now, check this one out (and the last short story if you haven't). If it fit with any book it would be part of What Could've Been (Book 4) Also, you may want to take a look at where the story stems from: Jackson: The Surprise

Listen to "Two Weeks" by FKA Twigs on repeat while reading for the full experience:

Jackson: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

                She comes behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. She plants soft kisses on my neck, distracting me from time on my guitar. I place it to the side and she knows that’s her cue to take its place on my lap. 

                “Are you sure you can’t stay the night?” she asks poking out her lip, already knowing the answer.

                “I gotta get back home to Megan. We’re working it out,” I reply in a defeated tone. 

                She looks down. I know just what she’s thinking. “Then what are we doing?”

                “I love you,” I told her touching her face. “You know that…me and her…we just have two kids and I didn’t think you would ever want me the way I wanted you…”

                “I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did…for being so indecisive but I know what I want now and that’s you. This situation is really fucked up and I know that…I would’ve never thought I could do something like this but-“

                “No need to explain. I know. We’re in the same position,” I say pulling her closer to me.

                Time on tour together turned into something neither of us ever expected. After I found Megan in bed with another man while our kids were asleep in the next room, I left for tour and never confronted my feelings. I was pretty down and out for most of the time but it was her who brought me back. She showed me a good time one night and that was that. I never meant for any of this to happen and neither did she. Besides, she had something going on with my sister’s ex-husband and she used to date the lead singer of her band, who is currently my sister’s husband and one of my closest friends. Complicated, huh? Not to mention, she’s now my sister’s best friend…in a way they’re like sisters so this makes it all the more complicated. These are the reasons it has to remain a secret. I’m a married man having an affair. I’m just as bad as my wife. 

                After catching Megan in the act we separated for a while. My heart was intent on divorce and that’s when Adalyn and I started our fling. It was purely sexual at that time but I fell for her in ways I never imagined. It was her beauty, physical and internal. I poured my heart out to her one night and scared her away. She told me what we had was just for fun…nothing serious. It was cold and harsh; meanwhile my wife wanted to work it out with me so I gave into her. There was no point in being lonely. I mean, I still loved Megan, I just couldn’t look at her the same way, but I was willing to try. 

                Long story short: when I was gone she realized she loved me too and now we’re here. After her confession we tried to avoid each other as much as we could but I had to give in. I wanted something new…someone who didn’t hurt me. With Megan it started to feel forced but with Adalyn it was all natural. She started as a friend and ended up being so much more. Everything was easy and it was just what I needed. Fast forward and here we are: loving each other in secret, afraid to let anyone know because of what they might think.
                “I’ll come by tomorrow night after I put the kids to bed. I’ll just tell her I’m utilizing some studio time solo,” I say caressing her arm.

                “You’ve used that lie too many times…why not the truth?”

                She’s ready for this to come out and in a way I am too. It’s just that I know the timing isn’t right. I haven’t wrapped my head around leaving my family for someone else. I mean, I would never abandon my children, they’ll always be a major part of my life and Adalyn understands that. I’m just not ready to take them through another separation knowing this time it’ll be permanent. I’m not sure how they’ll take having a second “mommy” around so soon.

                “I’ll tell the truth…eventually…” I reply. “You just have to be patient. I know you have been for a while now but it’ll come soon. I just have to find the right words and the time.”

                “There will never be a right time,” she corrects me.

                I see where this is going and it’s heading nowhere fast. I roughly grab her face and kiss her. She doesn’t seem to mind. I let go and stare into her eyes. The light quickly reflects off of them causing them to look a lighter shade of brown for an instant. 

                “See you tomorrow?” she asks as if she’s uncertain that I’ll be there.

                “Yeah, you can count on it.”

                She stands up and I follow her lead. I allow her to walk me to the door but I can’t help but notice that disappointing look on her face. I’m not trying to hurt her or Megan but it seems that’s all I’m doing lately. I touch her face one last time and she gets what I’m trying to say. I kiss her cheek and she smirks. 

                “I love you,” I tell her once more. 

                “Same here…”

                And that was it for the night…it was time to head back to my wife and kids…

Don't forget to check out the series here: A Tragic Heart Series

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Cruising Norwegian? Think Again!

Remember when I promised I would write full blog post about my horrible experience with cruising Norwegian ?! Well, here it is!

As most of you know I embarked on my journey for Wanderlust where I share all of my experiences and moments from all over the world. I gain inspiration for books and new endeavors by experiencing other cultures and places. My first journey was with Norwegian (BIG MISTAKE!)

First of all, I only went on a cruise with them because I was a passenger on Parahoy (the cruise with the band Paramore and they were awesome!). When we showed up to the port (Port of Miami), as soon as we got out of the cab, we were bombarded by workers telling us we must check in our bags right there. There was zero organization and hundreds of people roaming in the same area. It was a playground for error!

We followed orders and checked in all 3 of our bags with the same person. He read our luggage tags and said, “you guys are going on the Pearl, head this way,” and pointed in the correct direction. That was it! That was the last time we saw our beloved bag that held ALL of our clothing, shoes, and accessories.

Continue Here

Wanna Travel?

Do you love to travel? Have you ever had dreams of seeing the world? Maybe you always thought about visiting a country or city but wasn't sure what there is to do there? Whatever the case, you can now travel with me wherever I go. 

I started a blog called Wanderlust through my website SElleCameron.com where you can follow me through my travels as I gain inspiration to write books, poetry, personal journal entries and short stories. Since I was a kid I wanted nothing more than to see the world (and work with celebrities/be one, but whatever), so now I'm doing it. 

Today I'm beginning Wanderlust with a take off to Miami for a cruise heading to Cozumel, Mexico (along with the band Paramore. There's where the celebrity thing comes in). I'll be part of the Parahoy experience and will document my time there with videos and photos, along with writings. Hope to see you following along. 

See the world with me! 

Head over to SElleCameron.com for blog updates and follow me on Instagram (@S.ElleCameron) for real time updates, photos, and video. 

Also if you subscribe to my newsletter via my website you will receive a free copy of my first novel in Kindle format. 

Peyton Hayley: No Need to Catch Me (I'm Not Falling)-Short Story

It's been a while since I wrote a short story based on the characters from my book series (RED Tragedies aka A Tragic Heart series) but tonight I'm giving you another short story. This one is from the POV of Peyton Hayley (Peyton and Taylor's daughter). If it were to fit into a book it would be part of RED (Book 2). It's a short scene between her, Alex and Jackson.

Listen to "Throwing Punches" by Paramore on repeat while reading:

Peyton Hayley: No Need to Catch Me (I’m Not Falling)
            I lie across Alex’s bed stuffing strawberries into my mouth as we talked about nothing important. I was in one of his t-shirts that met just at my thighs and his hand rested just above my knee. It’s hard to pay attention to anything he’s saying because I can only think about how much I’ve missed him. We were forced to stay away from each other by almost everyone. My uncle, Jackson, forbid us to be together mostly because I was 17 and he was 25 and he claims he knows Alex better than I ever would; but I know that’s not true. They may have been close friends but Alex has shown me parts of him that no one else was ever able to see. Now that I’m 18, there’s nothing stopping us from being together. 

             I stop him in the middle of his sentence with a kiss. He responds just as I want him to and before I know it the strawberries I was eating were scattered on the floor while he was on top of me. It didn’t get too out of hand, mostly because it never got the chance to. We were interrupted by the doorbell. 

            “Ignore it,” I urge pulling him into another kiss. He obeys and we’re both acting as if we’re afraid to part.

            The way Alex and I started wasn’t exactly applauded. I was underage and he was a major rockstar. I had a faithful and charming boyfriend and he was a good friend of my very famous uncle. We were a recipe for disaster. So many things were sacrificed for us to be together but the only thing that matters is that we are together. Age was never an issue for either of us. Since that kiss in his car when I was 16, I knew somewhere deep down we would be together along the road. It was only a matter of time and growing up. We vowed to wait until I was 18 to go any further but that didn’t happen…we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and I’m glad we didn’t. Everything had to fall apart so they can fall together.

            “I’m so glad I have you,” he whispered in my ear before lightly tugging on my earlobes. I giggled before kissing him on his neck. I was just about to kiss his lips again until the doorbell rang once more.

            He looked me in the eyes and told me not to lose the feeling because he’d be right back. I roll my eyes as he gets up and walks out of the room. 

            “Might as well clean up these strawberries,” I say to myself as I begin picking them up one by one. No one’s ever “right back” once they answer the door. 

            After I clean up the mess we made I realize that things were taking a little longer than they should have. I gave it a few more minutes before I decided to walk down the stairs to see who it was. It was 10pm and unusual for it to be one of Alex’s bandmates. They always call before they just show up. 

            “Hey, Al! Who is it?” I ask before I fully make it down the stairs. I stop in my tracks when I see Jackson standing there. He hates Alex, why would he be here?


            “Peyton…of course you’re here with him.” Jackson turns away and laughs to himself for a second before speaking up again. “You know what, this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come by.”

            “Why did you?” I ask folding my arms across my chest. Jackson has always been one of my favorite people. We were so close it was hard to believe we were niece and uncle. He’s the coolest uncle anyone could ever have. He was more like a big brother or best friend. We fell apart once Alex and I got together. 

            “I wanted to make amends with Alex. We’ve been friends for some time and I don’t want us to be enemies anymore but I just got a reminder on why we are. You could’ve at least put on clothes before coming down to see who it is.”

            “I didn’t know it was anyone worth putting on clothes for,” I shot back. 

            “Woah! Guys come on. Let’s not,” Alex interrupts. “I would like for all of us to get along. Jack and Peyton you guys are family…act like it…and Jack I’m sorry. Look, I know she’s your niece and you helped raise her but I’m in love with her.” He looks at me and I have no expression. I never heard him admit it out loud. 

            “Alex, you love yourself,” Jackson replies as if he was correcting him.

            “You may not believe me yet but it’s different with her. She’s young, I know that but…what we have is good and you’re going to have to accept that sooner or later.”

            “Don’t fucking tell me what I have to accept,” Jack raises his voice and steps a little too close to Alex. The last time they were this close, Jackson left Alex with a bloody nose.

            I rushed between the both of them just to insure Jackson wouldn’t throw any punches. I don’t want a repeat of last time. 

            “Jack, you should go. There’s no need for you to be here,” I say staring him in his eyes. It’s a cold stare. Never would I have thought Jackson would be my enemy. 

            “Peyton, you’re making a huge mistake. Just come back with me and things can be a lot different,” he pleaded.

            “I don’t want things to be different. I want Alex and if you can’t accept that then you have no reason to be here…or in my life.” I could tell it broke his heart, hearing me say such harsh words but if he truly wanted to make amends, he would know he’d have to accept this.

            “Okay. I got it. I hope you two are happy,” he says before walking away towards the door. Before he left he turned around and said, “Peyton, I may not be there for you when you need me because trust me, you’re going to need me.”

            For some reason his words struck me hard…almost hard enough to knock me over. Alex gently touched my shoulders and kissed my neck. I wanted it to relax me but all it did was send a chill down my spine. Alex and I will be okay…Jack will see just like everyone else will…

Don't forget to pick up your copy of RED and the rest of the series here: http://www.amazon.com/S.-Elle-Cameron/e/B00FNI34X4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

Character Profile From Turn It Off: Peyton Giordano

Today I will give you the first character profile for Turn It Off. Since it's the first of many from this book, it only makes sense to start with the main character. Now this character is someone you all came to know from the first book, A Tragic Heart, and he's mine and most others' favorite from the series. He has a daughter of the same name (later on in the series)...let's look at the character profile for the one and only Peyton Giordano!

Full Name: Peyton Hale Giordano

Birth Date: December 27, 1992

Gender: Male

Age During Turn It Off: 15-17 years old

Eye Color: Green

Hair Color: Red

Height: 6'2

Weight: 215 lbs

Relatives: Cathleen Taylor-Davis (once Cathleen Taylor-Giordano) (Mother-Deceased), Richard Giordano (Father), Brian Taylor (Uncle), Jean Taylor (Aunt), Mason Taylor (Cousin), Hayley Giordano (Half-Sister), Preston Giordano (Half-Brother), Kathryn Giordano (Step-mother), Karson Davis (Step-father)

Relationship Status: Always taken (even if for a night)...

Interests/Hobbies: Playing with his band, guitar, piano/keyboard, drums, singing, songwriting, partying, recreational drug use, girls, cooking, boxing

Positive Character Traits: Once getting to know him Peyton is a very caring person and he's loyal to the ones he love. When in a committed relationship he puts his partner first and no matter how angry he gets, he remains faithful. He's a great cook and is awesome at planning surprises.

Negative Character Traits: He doesn't know how to control his emotions causing him to be and do impulsive things. During Turn It Off, he's almost completely reliant on drugs to get him through the day and despite being an extremely smart boy, he makes less than desirable decisions. He also has a horrible temper.

Choice Quote From Turn It Off: "Life is funny. One minute you're trying to find something to live for, and the next, it comes walking through your door in the middle of the night."

Well, that's it for Peyton's character profile! You can find out more about Peyton by reading the first two books to the series, A Tragic Heart & RED. Turn It Off acts as a prequel to A Tragic Heart and is based solely on Peyton's life and struggles. You can find out more about the series and catch up by using this link: http://www.amazon.com/S.-Elle-Cameron/e/B00FNI34X4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

Below is the official book cover for Turn It Off:
By the way, if Peyton was a song he would be two, Turn It Off by Paramore and Cherry by Moose Blood:


Turn It Off Coming This Fall!

Now that the book shower is over and RED has been released and met with great reviews it's time for Turn It Off to shine. I will say that this is probably my favorite book from the series as it focuses exclusively on Peyton and his trials while coming of age. He was a very different person before Taylor came into his life and his life was a bit tragic to say the least.

Turn It Off is told from Peyton's point of view only and is structured as the average novel. As of now the intro and first chapter of the book is available on Amazon for purchase. It's $2.99 for Kindle users and $4.65 for paperback. It's the first 42 pages of the book unedited just so you can have a taste of what's to come. There is also an important message from me in the beginning letting you all know where I gained the inspiration to write the novel (thank you Paramore!).

Turn It Off acts as a prequel to A Tragic Heart and you will see a lot of references and moments from the first book but most of it is what led up to A Tragic Heart. In my opinion, this book is just as important as A Tragic Heart because without Turn It Off, A Tragic Heart would've never happened.

I'll start a giveaway on Amazon for Turn It Off (Intro & 1st Chapter) and will embark on a blog tour to support the novel. I'm hoping for an October/November release for the novel. I will keep you all updated but for now check out the first 42 pages of Turn It Off here: http://www.amazon.com/Turn-Off-Intro-Chapter-Tragic/dp/1508591970/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Back to editing Turn It Off...next/last stop What Could've Been!

Girls, Boys, & Boundaries: Is There A Double Standard?

Here is my new post for I AM THAT GIRL! It's all about the double standards placed on men and women when it comes to being violated physically and verbally. Take a look at it and let me know what you think. Don't forget to click the "like" button for Facebook at the end of the article. The link is below:


Judgment:Theme From RED

"We can't be judged. We can't be told we're not good enough because of our past. After all, we're all red on the inside..."-Peyton Hayley Giordano (RED)

The theme I chose from last week was finding yourself and this week I'll take off from there. While finding yourself you're going to come across a lot of people who will have their own opinions about you and most of the time these opinions will come off as judgmental. For some reason, when we're in the process of changing people like to point out your past and the things/mistakes you used to do. It's like a constant reminder of who you used to be but the thing to remember is that, that's not important anymore. What's important is that you're moving on and trying to become the person you deserve to be.

In RED, Peyton does a lot of things that every one of you will judge her for. You will yell at her in your heads and call her various names throughout the book...and I can't say that I blame you because Peyton is a very frustrating character to deal with. The thing to remember is that she's supposed to be human and a little troubled. If there is anyone to tell a story about where the main character must find herself and start over, it's Peyton. 

In life, we're going to do a lot of questionable things and make tons of less than desirable decisions but in the end no one has the real right to judge us. Our past is the past and that is where it should stay. Whenever someone tries to comment on your "new" behavior and try and classify it as being "fake" just ignore them and focus on the new you. Guarantee, there will always be someone out there questioning your motives and trying to pull you back into who you used to be. Cut them off. They're no good for you or your process to grow and find who you are. 

While you're growing, you must also remember to not knock anyone else down if they're still stuck where you once were. Everyone has a different process and some people take longer to come around (if they ever do!). This still doesn't give you a right to judge. One of the hardest things is trying to change. It seems like it's almost impossible so kicking someone when they're already down won't do any good either. We're all just human so don't judge.

During RED, you will notice that almost every character has something about them that's easy to judge them on. They all have their vices just like we do. Some are drug related, some are lust related, and others may seem difficult to even categorize but that's not the point. We all have a weakness or two and none of us like to be judged for it. In fact, we spend most of our time hiding it from people. 

So while you're moving on and trying to find yourself remember to not listen to those trying to judge you and don't judge anyone else during your process. They're no better than you are and you're no better than them. So, go ahead, make your mistakes, drop your ego, start over, forgive yourself and others, find yourself, and don't worry about judgment. The whole point of this journey is to love who you are...hey, that sounds like an awesome topic for next week! 

Until next week, let's listen to a song all about judging...

The MonumenTour Was Monumental!

"You are what you love, not who loves you!" Fall Out Boy (Save Rock & Roll)

First off: the MonumenTour was the best concert I had the chance to go to since Paramore headlined the Honda Civic Tour in 2010! Not only did I get to rock out in the pit, only a couple of feet from the stage with my two favorite bands but I received words of inspiration. You know when you go somewhere and the person speaking seems like they took some insight from your life before forming their speech. That was the entire night for me this past Saturday. 

A major theme of the night was don't give up and any dream is possible no matter how stupid it may sound. The lead singer from New Politics stated, "this all started with a stupid dream but I am here today to tell you that sometimes stupidity is all you need!" WOW! That was the start of the night. Paramore and Fall Out Boy continued with their encouragement.

After suffering from countless rejections from literary agents, jobs, and the old fashion feeling of self-doubt, this message is exactly what I needed. It was almost as if I was meant to be there other than any other place in the world. As silly as it may sound, I felt singled out from the crowd. It was an emotional experience.

Paramore lit the place on fire when they sang Last Hope, Let The Flames Begin, and Part II (it's part 2 of Let The Flames Begin) back to back. All three songs are 'keep the faith' records that will keep you holding on even when your palms are bleeding. It's safe to say that everyone in the building felt the power and energy that poured out of the band. Those performances made me feel silly that I ever even thought of giving up. Just hearing over and over the lines from Last Hope, "it's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going," rebooted the motivation that I needed.

"This is how we'll dance when,
When they try to take us down
This is how we'll sing it.
This is how we'll stand when
When they burn our houses down.
This is what will be oh glory!"-Paramore (Let The Flames Begin) 


I thought I had all of the encouragement that I needed until it was time for Fall Out Boy to take on their set. Can I just say that I have always found Pete Wentz to be one of the most inspiring people of our generation? This guy has openly battled depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and suicidal attempts and somehow still managed to stand in front of a crowd and tell them how great life is. Multiple times throughout the night Pete reminded the crowd that giving up is never an option; most notably when he said, "we were just four crummy kids from the suburban parts of Chicago, so if we can do it, so can anyone in this crowd!" My favorite part was when he said, "you just gotta remember that sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger," quoting a lyric from their song Miss Missing You from their newest album Save Rock and Roll. That lyric has always set my heart on fire but something about hearing him say it in person meant a lot more. At that point, I was so revved up, giving up was no longer on my list of options. By the time the band went into Save Rock & Roll I was ready to fist pump and chant over and over, "Oh no! We won't go! 'Cause we don't know when to quit!" Something about that part of the song is now stronger than it's ever been.

"You know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start
So dance alone to the beat of your heart"-Fall Out Boy (The Phoenix)


The MonumenTour was not just a concert that was meant to be fun with loads of energy. It was more than just head banging and fists pumps for me. It reminded me that you can't wait for a perfect time because there's no such thing. Like Fall Out Boy says, "dance alone to the beat of your heart." That same night Pete Wentz tweeted, "Don't stop 'til you get it." It felt like a personal message from him to me because it was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that they were only four crummy kids with a dream because I'm one crummy kid standing alone in hundreds of rejections with a dream in my head and in my heart. It was good to know that New Politics thought that their dream was too big and stupid because that is exactly how I feel. Seeing each band live out their stupid dream made me believe in stupidity and stupidity is the best motivation you can have! Don't give up until your breathing stops!

Silly Agents! Self Harm is for Emos!

"All the writers keep writing what they write
Somewhere another pretty vein just dies
I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see
That you’re the antidote to everything except for me"

The last time I posted a blog it was about literary agents and their lack of diversity when it comes to accepting manuscripts. If you didn't already know, I published my first novel, A Tragic Heart through Amazon's CreateSpace and now I am seeking representation. Well, I've already been rejected over 20 times even though every reader of A Tragic Heart agrees that the novel is more than worthy of the public's attention. My reason for being rejected so many times is solely based on marketing.

Marketing. Such an ugly word that every writer must learn or either pull the plug on your career.  I've received so many rejection letters via email because agents believe that books that touches upon self-harm and suicide doesn't really have a market. They believe there's no way to promote it. Hahahaha! I'm seriously laughing at them and their uneducated ignorant minds! Have these people never heard of Fall Out Boy or Paramore? Better yet, have they never heard of one of the biggest charity organization that goes by the name To Write Love On Her Arms? The whole freaking organization is a suicide prevention charity! Yet, they say that there's no market!

The topic of self-harm and suicide is an untapped market mostly because everyone is too afraid to go there. No one ever speaks about these issues so it seems like everything's fine. The truth is we all know someone who either self harms or contemplated suicide at one point in their lives. In some cases, that person is us but no one talks about it so the common belief is that majority of us are okay. We're not.

Did you know statistically speaking that every one of us has thought about suicide as an option? If this is true, why don't we speak about it? I'll tell you why, because the world is afraid of anything that isn't sunshine and rainbows. Not everything is a love story, not everything is a mystery or a horror. A true writer writes what they feel and what others are afraid to even think. That's what makes writing good. Some things need to be spoken about. 

The common belief that books about suicide, self harm, and drugs are only for emos is a myth! If it's marketing that these agents fear, then maybe they should quit their jobs because who wants to live in a box full of misconceptions and ignorance? Well, thinking twice, maybe some of them do...

I don't mean to make suicide or self harm a marketing scheme but to say that theoretically no one would care to read books about these topics unless they're for medical research is absurd! I'm sure parents of children who struggle with these issues would love to understand what their children are going through or what they may be thinking on a day to day basis. Heck! Even brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles of these people would like to gain a better understanding. 

Growing up I felt like no one understood me (actually I feel like this now on a daily basis) and maybe if there were more books available that talked about these things, the people around me would have started to question their misconceptions about me. The world has learned to label anyone struggling with these issues as "attention seekers". No one ever thinks to say something or try to dig a little deeper. 

We're always told that "we think it's all about us" and that "it's not how the world works". Do you honestly believe we want all of that attention? Why would we want the world to revolve around us when all it would do is turn us into an even bigger freak show?

I thank writers like Ellen Hopkins, Jay Asher, Cheryl Rainfield for writing about real issues and not being afraid. I also thank the public for turning them into bestselling authors, proving those literary agents wrong when they say there is no market for such things. If their success isn't proof enough for you, then you remain ignorant.

Just search the hashtags #selfharm, #suicide, #emo, and #cutter on Twitter and Instagram, then tell me what you find. Shocking right? Now if you add #depressed, #scars, and #nohope to the list your heart may break. No one caters to them because everyone is looking from a business standpoint and us emos aren't included. We don't matter. Our "market" isn't big enough to be addressed. 

There are millions and they don't deserve to be noticed for marketing reasons or money, they deserve to be noticed because they should know that it can be better and whatever they do affects everyone else around them. By ignoring their "market" you are essentially ignoring them. 

A Tragic Heart isn't all about self harm and suicide attempts. It's much more than that. There a love story, humor, and depictions of everyday life for teenagers and young adults. It goes beyond a young adult novel and crosses over to adult fiction. It's something in it for everyone and it shouldn't be aimed at a market. It's for anyone who has ever felt anything at all.

Sexual abuse happens (just ask the brave and beautiful red head, Rachel Thompson) so it should be talked about. Drug addiction and teen prostitution take over lives, just talk to Ellen Hopkins about it. Suicide hurts...Jay Asher gets that.

Sexual abuse happens to more than a market of people. Drug addiction isn't something only felt by the underprivileged. Teen prostitution doesn't only touch those involved. Self harm and suicide isn't only for emos.

"Wearing our vintage misery
No, I think it looked a little better on me......"So broke our spirit, " says the note we pass"




Native Tongue: A Post for Literary Agents

"Living in a city of sleepless people
Who all know the limits and won't go too far outside the lines
Cause they're' out of their minds."

"Generally the agents seem to dislike anything too violent or depressing, and stress that writers should "sell a solution, not a problem." This is a comment under a literary agency's information. A few days ago I expressed over Twitter and Facebook how I find it troubling that agents shy away from topics such as suicide, rape, and drugs because these are real issues that happen to real people. We all don't live in a fairytale land where the leading character finds love in the end and the only issue she had to deal with was bullying (not that bullying isn't a serious issue). No one wants to go there. Everyone wants to play it "safe" and not cross the line that will possibly cement them a spot in history. 

Another troubling aspect about the comment above is how do they know if the author is selling a solution or a problem if they're not reading the material? I sent in a query letter along with sample writing at 11:51 am and by 12:12 pm I had my 12th rejection letter in my inbox (by the way, I received #13 a couple of hours later...one more and I'm tied with J.K. Rowling). You would think these literary agents would have learned their lessons by now. If you were to go to www.literaryrejections.com you can see how some of the most iconic writing pieces were rejected and slammed by literary agents and publishers only to leave them kicking themselves on their backsides in the end. Want to know the real problem? They don't know what the people want and they only go by the "standards" they were taught in school. A true visionary and writer can see past "school standards" and know that crossing lines is necessary sometimes. Sadly, all of my rejections have said the same thing: "I'm not enthusiastic about the concept", "I can't grasp the concept", "You deserve an agent who is passionate about your concept".


So you're basically telling me that my writing skills, plot, setting, OR character development are NOT the reasons you're rejecting me but because I choose to share a personal experience in a fictional manner that touches on issues needed to be spoken about? See, I can write the generic love story and get bashed by "the people" and I can become a basic "writer" like most but I choose to take risks because I believe in building my own voice. I'm not here to write about what you want me to write about, I'm here for MY art and eventually someone will like it (actually NOT ONE reader has been disappointed...and that's what matters most). I refuse to change my topic or story because the world is simple minded and unoriginal. You see, I can be generic...but that's not me! To quote my favorite band, "I got a light that won't go out, been burning since the day I was born! So I cry just a little then I dry my eyes 'cause I'm not a little girl no more!" Basically, basic isn't in my vocabulary and neither is generic or safe. I always liked the wild rides anyway.

"They think we’re crazy ‘cause it sounds like noise to them. Ain’t it strange all the things you hear when you sit and listen?"

But really, imagine all of the things you can hear and learn when you sit and listen? Maybe if these agents gave something a little outside of their comfort zone a chance, they would love it. Or maybe they just don't speak the same language as some of us. I wrote this for myself but I also wrote it for all of the broken ones out there. A Tragic Heart was meant to give others something to relate to. There weren't (and still aren't) many books that talk about self-mutilation, depression, or any mental illness for that matter. Why should I change my story because they can't speak our language? Maybe if they read more stories like it, they can speak emo too (hahaha, but in order for them to read those stories they would have to start accepting them...oh, the irony!). 

We feel like no one understands us, like we're the only ones in the world going through it even though we know logically it's not true. All I can say is that it would have helped a lot if I had more books like A Tragic Heart, Scars, Impulse, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower growing up. Haven't these people heard of Cheryl Rainfield and Ellen Hopkins? They're best-selling authors who saw success through writing about some of the most touchy subjects. The reason why they were so successful: people related. It's simple, really. 

Nicholas Sparks is a great writer but how many of us can honestly say we lived The Notebook or The Last Song? I'm sure more people felt the way Charlie did in The Perks of Being A Wallflower. If everyone accepts the same things how can anyone find room to be different? Rejecting taboo topics is like rejecting life and people's personal struggles. It's like saying "your experience isn't good or interesting enough". It's like saying "your hardships and conquering isn't something worth writing or telling about". It should be common sense that feelings of rejection, loneliness, and unworthiness are things that should be written and spoken about. 

Now, I'm not saying that all literary agents are generic and close minded because there are a few that speak my native tongue, I just have to find them (or maybe they will find me). As Paramore says, "...if you give up, you get what you deserve!"

"How can they say that it’s one way when it’s the opposite? And how can they know the end of the story before I tell it?

The Art of Giving Up

"22 is like the worst idea that I've ever had. There's too much pain, it's too much freedom what should I do with this? It's not the way you plan it, but how you make it happen!"

"Encouragement gets old," those are the words that came out of my mouth around 9:50 this morning. Do you want to know why I uttered those pessimistic words? Simply because it's true. If you haven't noticed I'm not in a very encouraging mood today and I honestly haven't been for a while. After Australia, Dubai, and Italy, life came down a lot...more like crashed and burned because fantasy life was over.

I don't want to encourage anyone today, that's what my previous posts are for, instead I want to be honest about how much life sucks and it's more than okay to admit that at times. I've always joked that the title of Paramore's song "For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic" is the best way to describe my personality. I've always been the downer and the "dark" one in the crowd so my recent posts of light shedding is a rare thing. Maybe I was on a vacation high. Maybe something has gotten into me...who knows? All I know now is that twenty two really does feel like the worst idea that I've ever had. 

Life is hard when the high is gone and cloud 9 evaporates into thin air. This is what happened to me in the recent weeks. I knew that life was hard from past experiences but just when it seems to get better, reality hits and it gets worse. Does it ever really get any better or do we just learn how to deal with the pain as time goes by? 

Lately, rejection has been the reason why I feel like I want to give up. I've been getting rejected from almost everything in my life. It's to the point that I'm surprised my dog even still looks at me as a valuable person. Ever get that feeling that you're simply not good enough? Yeah, well, that's been the feeling I've had for a long time. My biggest fear has always been becoming a failure by my own standards and lately my life has been heading in that direction. 

In the beginning, I honestly thought that I would beat the odds but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be mediocre or average but I'm afraid that's the road I'm driving down. No matter how hard I try it seems like every sign is pointing to the exit that reads "mediocrity". I don't want to live my life struggling to live or make it day by day. I want to be the one who excels and passes by all of the bumps in the road. I want to be special and stand out from the crowd. No matter how much I want to, I can't seem to give up because of my fear of failure. Do you know how exhausting it is to not even be good enough to give up? You may not believe it but giving up is an art.

It takes a lot to give up when you once wanted something so badly. It takes a lot of dedication to never return to the thing you once loved (or still love). First you have to convince yourself that it you don't want it all that much, that it's simply just not worth it. How do you do that when you've only dreamed of success? I never saw myself as anything less than that person I want to be. Then after you convinced yourself, you have to entirely forget about the past you that had a crazy dream that didn't come true. Last, you have to force yourself to become content with your current position in life. In other words, you have to get comfortable where you are in life and it's really hard to get comfortable in a place you don't want to be. I've always heard that it's easy to give up and it's easy to get comfortable but it wasn't until recently that I learned the art of giving up and I'm still not so sure that I'm ready to go there. On the other hand, I don't know how much more rejection I can take.

I had to write on my Twitter page as a reminder to myself that in life you will always hear the word "no" more than "yes" but we must hold on because all we need is one "yes" to get us going. But what happens when you get the feeling that you're just wasting your time and you'll just be another number in the crowd with a story of an old dream that never happened? What do you do when you feel like there's no point in trying for that one "yes". Encouragement gets old and it no longer works. After a while it just sounds like a bunch of cattle manure that those annoying optimist use to hear themselves say something so they can continue feeling important. Like, really, who smiles that much anyway? 

I thought maybe if I wrote something honest that I would feel a lot better. Well, I guess I feel better...just not a lot. The feelings are still there, but the truth is they don't go away that easily. There's not much that anyone can say or do that'll change how I feel. I don't want to be a failure so I continue to keep going but it's getting harder everyday. It's exhausting and discouraging. I keep holding on to hope but I want to let it go because hope makes a fool of us. The only thing left to do is choose. Do I want to be a fool or a failure?



Don't Wake Me Up from Daydreaming...

"I wanna get out and build my own home on a street where reality is not much different from dreams I've had. A dream is all I have..."


They always tell us not to sleep for too long; it's the ones that's wide awake that will take the winning. Always keep your eyes wide open because that way you won't miss a thing. I say, close your eyes and keep them shut tight. Who needs to see when you can dream?


Being wide awake doesn't allow you to think of anything new. Staying awake only allows you to see what's in front of you, but dreaming gets you everywhere. Dreaming gives you the greatest ideas and the adrenaline to keep you going. Dreaming is sometimes all we have and if we never close our eyes, we would never know what lies inside of our minds. 


Just because you need to open your eyes sometimes doesn't mean you always have to be wide awake. It's okay to be alert but you have to allow yourself room to daydream and see visions through your eyelids. They say dreamers are fools or they have their heads in the clouds but it is possible to keep your feet on the ground while you're worlds away. 


Dreaming isn't only for the young, anyone can do it. We shouldn't limit ourselves to the average six to eight hours of dreaming we get every night, we should be dreaming all of the time. Without dreams, there would be nothing...we would be nothing. Everything starts with a dream, a vision only you can see. That's what makes dreaming so important.


Everyone has a different vision so why let yours become entrapped in reality when you can do the impossible by simply closing your eyes? Of course dreaming takes action but how can you take action if you never take the time to dream? Action with no purpose is useless. It's like driving without a destination: long, frustrating, and eventually you'll run out of gas.


Reality has life they say, but there were times in my dreams where I've never felt more alive. I'm sure you all know that feeling; that feeling where if someone pinched you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between reality and your dreamworld...well, that's how life should be too. You should be dreaming so often that eventually you won't be able to tell the difference. Before you know it, you've made your dreams a reality and that's when you see the importance of having a dream. A dream isn't just a made up world in your head, it's a vision that's meant to become real enough to live through.


You may be thinking that the problem with dreams are that they never have an ending. It all usually abruptly ends or fades into oblivion causing you to feel uneasy or always wondering what would have happened. See, that's the thing about dreams, they give you the most important thing you need...a start! The rest of it is up to you. 


Wouldn't you rather live in your most exciting dream than be where you are now? What if I told you that you can? What if I told you that it's all possible? Would you close your eyes and get started now? Or would you take the safe road and be on the look out for all of the "what ifs"? 


The sleepless ones are always caught up with limitations that keep them trapped in a world where only the things you can touch are real. The daydreamers are the ones who break the boundaries of life and truly come alive. When there's a problem, the sleepless find something "real" to fix the issue, the daydreamers create a monster to fight off the villain. It's not hard to see which storyline is more exciting. Why use someone else creation when you can come up with your own?


So, next time you doubt dreaming and you think about staying awake "to get more done"just remember that the sleepless eventually go insane...



A look at my dream that became a reality: